As always, I end my blog with another dramatic post.
It has been a short year since I've stayed.
Lots of memories deposited nonetheless.
Happy, Sad, Inspirational, Depressing and so on.
But I know I'm beginning to lose my touch on blogging.
Beginning to lose my way as well.
So its time for yet another change.
New blog is already up, its just that I haven't had the time to think of a good post.
I held on alot, and I know I should let them go.
I'm taking a good/best buddy's advice, I'm gonna try to restart everything all over again.
BUT this blog stays, it won't be deleted for its my blog and I know I will be back.
So until next time, back here:
It's me signing off ; Good Luck !
ME
The wonderkid
My private corner
and it looks like you found me...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
2 months and counting...
It's been too long, way to long. Since my last post. Even coming up with a title too me a few minutes.
To be honest, I don't know what I can add on to this vast of white emptiness which is occasionally smirk by words made of black.
For a start, Japan's disaster left a deep impression in my mind. I can't help but to feel sorry for them. Yet, the similarity to what I'm suffering is uncanny. One wave after the other, the scars of battle remains… the dreadful long battle with radiation continues on till who knows when. Not only that, it drags down people along and around it, just like me. For the dead had a closure, and the living live like the dead.
I do applause the japanese' courage and commitment. Something that I lacked. something that I couldn't overcome.
I ran, I tried escaping reality. I can't. I'm still in the same circle.
The sleepless nights, the uninteresting days… Nothing felt like it has any purpose. Nothing catches my eye. Nothing inspires me any more.
Drugs felt like the only way out… I really can't seem to do without it.
Even sleeping pills didn't work on me. Only one special pill works for me at this moment, and i'm advised against taking it.
I've been trying, to endure the nights without the pill. But it's been tough, really tough.
Sedation by night and I even need that in the day to keep my brains from over doing it.
Sedating my brain, reduce it's ability to work. Reduce my ability to think.
It's strange how all these come together, the effects of different drugs. The timing in which they function and even the time the begin to leave your body. It's quite something, really.
I can't think, operate or feel at 100% now. I somewhat believe it's a good thing.
I can no longer think like I used to. only what that's left untouched by the sedation.
I can no longer operate like I used to. only how to get pass day to day.
I can no longer feel the pain. only numbness.
But there is one thing I know, I'm truly glad I didn't hinder your path to your happiness.
The rest, I believe I alone can bear the burden.
To be honest, I don't know what I can add on to this vast of white emptiness which is occasionally smirk by words made of black.
For a start, Japan's disaster left a deep impression in my mind. I can't help but to feel sorry for them. Yet, the similarity to what I'm suffering is uncanny. One wave after the other, the scars of battle remains… the dreadful long battle with radiation continues on till who knows when. Not only that, it drags down people along and around it, just like me. For the dead had a closure, and the living live like the dead.
I do applause the japanese' courage and commitment. Something that I lacked. something that I couldn't overcome.
I ran, I tried escaping reality. I can't. I'm still in the same circle.
The sleepless nights, the uninteresting days… Nothing felt like it has any purpose. Nothing catches my eye. Nothing inspires me any more.
Drugs felt like the only way out… I really can't seem to do without it.
Even sleeping pills didn't work on me. Only one special pill works for me at this moment, and i'm advised against taking it.
I've been trying, to endure the nights without the pill. But it's been tough, really tough.
Sedation by night and I even need that in the day to keep my brains from over doing it.
Sedating my brain, reduce it's ability to work. Reduce my ability to think.
It's strange how all these come together, the effects of different drugs. The timing in which they function and even the time the begin to leave your body. It's quite something, really.
I can't think, operate or feel at 100% now. I somewhat believe it's a good thing.
I can no longer think like I used to. only what that's left untouched by the sedation.
I can no longer operate like I used to. only how to get pass day to day.
I can no longer feel the pain. only numbness.
But there is one thing I know, I'm truly glad I didn't hinder your path to your happiness.
The rest, I believe I alone can bear the burden.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
It's easy to just lose oneself in such situation.
but it's really tough trying to keep oneself sane in such period.
As far as i'm well aware of what i'm doing.
I'm beginning to question my solution.
I'm beginning to lose grip of what's real, what's not.
what should I be doing, what I should NOT be doing.
Escaping from reality is an antidote I used far too often that is slowing losing effect.
Time is running out. and my mood needs an urgent 180 turn fast !! Darn.
Don't be too surprised if I spiral outta control… who knows how long I can keep this up…
but it's really tough trying to keep oneself sane in such period.
As far as i'm well aware of what i'm doing.
I'm beginning to question my solution.
I'm beginning to lose grip of what's real, what's not.
what should I be doing, what I should NOT be doing.
Escaping from reality is an antidote I used far too often that is slowing losing effect.
Time is running out. and my mood needs an urgent 180 turn fast !! Darn.
Don't be too surprised if I spiral outta control… who knows how long I can keep this up…
Friday, February 04, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Day 14 - As my World crumbles beneath my feet
Every time I saw a glimpse of hope or get a sudden time out in which I felt better, things took a dramatic turn again.
Initially, it was one problem. A heartbreaking event. Emotional and it really brought me to my knees.
Now, it's multiple… It's like an earthquake just hit me and volcanic eruption right after and the volcanic ashes covered the sky thereafter. Each of this disaster is bad enough and when it's combined. It really wrecks havoc in my body.
At this point of time, I need friends. I need people to be around me. I need to keep myself occupied to lift me off all these.
But no one seems to be free. or aimless activities that is as good as me staying at home facing my depressing four walls.
I'm not putting blame on anyone, after all i'm the one with no life and almost dead anyways.
I can tell that I'm losing it, I really am. Laughing suddenly and randomly. Eating chocolates and sweets everyday in ridiculous amounts. Taboo thoughts can now enter my mind and I'm actually beginning to act upon it.
All the wrong thoughts and I can't seem to stop it.
I don't know what else can I do anymore.
Am I changing ? changing for the worst ?
Desperately saving myself before I don't recognize myself anymore.
p/s: I know you made certain decisions for my sake, in hoping that i might be better off.
but i also want you to know that for me to be better off, starts with you keeping your promise...
Initially, it was one problem. A heartbreaking event. Emotional and it really brought me to my knees.
Now, it's multiple… It's like an earthquake just hit me and volcanic eruption right after and the volcanic ashes covered the sky thereafter. Each of this disaster is bad enough and when it's combined. It really wrecks havoc in my body.
At this point of time, I need friends. I need people to be around me. I need to keep myself occupied to lift me off all these.
But no one seems to be free. or aimless activities that is as good as me staying at home facing my depressing four walls.
I'm not putting blame on anyone, after all i'm the one with no life and almost dead anyways.
I can tell that I'm losing it, I really am. Laughing suddenly and randomly. Eating chocolates and sweets everyday in ridiculous amounts. Taboo thoughts can now enter my mind and I'm actually beginning to act upon it.
All the wrong thoughts and I can't seem to stop it.
I don't know what else can I do anymore.
Am I changing ? changing for the worst ?
Desperately saving myself before I don't recognize myself anymore.
p/s: I know you made certain decisions for my sake, in hoping that i might be better off.
but i also want you to know that for me to be better off, starts with you keeping your promise...
Saturday, January 22, 2011
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